Austin's Gift....

Every day that goes by I cry tears of saddness that Austin is not here. My arms are empty and my heart is broken. I look at pictures of him and think, why did he have to go so soon. He gave us such joy that we will cherish always. Some days it feels like yesterday he was here and others it feels like he has been gone for eternity. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he did once live here on earth and now he lives in our hearts. I got an email today from a friend who's co worker participated in a bike ride in memory of Austin. One of her team mates was very touched by Austin and he didn't even know him. It amazes me on how Austin has touched so many people in so many ways. Austin has taught us more in two years then in a life time. I wanted to share what my friend sent me.

”Because of Austin, I find it easier to ride when it is hard to pedal”
Kurt Steuck -TNT Alumni

Austin's Gift I joined Team in Training because of my son, Kyle, who is doing well after a battle with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He went through chemo, radiation, and a stem cell transplant (May 2002). He has been involved in the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in Austin, TX, and in Seattle, WA, while working on his master's degree in engineering. During the past three months of training, we've had several Honored Heroes and Mission Moments. None have affected me the way Austin does. I use the word "does," because he still does. This is Austin's Gift to me.

This began on Saturday, April 7, a cold, windy, rainy day. The TNT Team was going to ride in relatively flat land southeast of San Antonio. In our pre-ride talk, one of the LLS staff read the Mission Moment about Austin. I was trying to focus on it, but the rain and cold kept distracting me. And then I heard the words that he wasn't doing well and he might not make it through the weekend. When I heard those words, an intense cold wave went through my entire body starting in my chest and working out. I haven't felt anything like that in a long time. It was not due to the weather. It was due to the words I had just heard. He might not make it through the weekend.

While we were riding, the weather turned worse. There was a 30 degree wind chill that day. We were miserable. Only 12 riders finished 45 miles of the intended 60 miles. The others did not finish. During the worse parts of the ride, I thought about Austin. I realized that as miserable as I was, I would be warm and dry in a few hours. Thinking about him made it easier to keep pedaling.

The second time Austin affected me is when we received the email with his picture in it. Three things struck me about that picture. One, because it was from the back, I never saw his face. I would never know Austin. I had been thinking about him, but would not know him. The second thing about the picture was the costume. To me, it didn't stand for superman strength and courage. Instead, it symbolized the gaiety of childhood, that unbridled giggling and squealing children are famous for. It reminded me of what a childhood should be like. The third symbol in the picture, though, was his lack of hair. This symbolized the grim reality too many children and adults face. It was hard for me when I thought about that. It reminded me of why I joined TNT.

Then I read the description of Austin's last moments. That's when I lost it. That's when I broke down. That's when I knew: I ride for Austin.

I Love Austin....

A Myspace friend posted this on Austin page



this is the T-Shirt I bought

Hey all,

I have been home sick all weekend with some kind of stomach bug. I haven't been sick in a long time. That was one of God's blessings, keeping us well for a year and a half. When my stomach hurt so bad I thought about Austin all the days of chemo he went through and how he kept on going and here I only had a stomach bug. He was a true fighter. A true inspiration to us all. Since I have been laying on the couch all weekend all I could do was think of him. How he would of come up to me to give me a hug because I didn't feel well. I know he came to visit me on Friday while i was taking a bath. See when I would go into our bathroom and shut the bathroom door I found that Austin learned to open the door and come in. I had to eventually teach him to shut the door after he came in. He learned quick. While I was taking my bath on Friday the door opened as if it were him coming in. I said come on in Austin. I felt like I could feel him there next to the bath tub. Wow what a moment.

Another NB fighter lost the battle on Saturday. Penelope was four years old. Her cancer had progressed a while back and she still was fighting. I remember reading her blog and thinking, I feel for her parents because the were watching their child die. Little did I know I would do the same a few months later. I read on another NB fighter's blog where her mother wrote "We have watched so many sweet, smart, vivacious, Innocent children die over the years and my heart asks the question why isn't this the topic of every discussion on earth?". I couldn't agree with her more. I think about it all the time and just can't stop thinking about what else can we do? My sister in law and I are going to the Neuroblastoma Conference in Chicago this July and hopefully we can find out more of what we can do. They have a session for Angel parents that I am very interested in going to. We are very excited as well to meet our NB friend Cooper and his parents Jason and Lisa. I feel like I have known Lisa all my life as we have lived the same life for a year and half. Cooper is in remission and right now and is doing very well. Cooper is two weeks younger then Austin and were diagnosed just less then a month a part. The Internet brought us together. Thank God for the Internet.

I have posted for you a picture of a shirt I bought on Friday. I went to the mall to drop of my charm bracelet, I passed by this store that sells Texas Longhorn apparel. I had to do a double take at what I saw in the window. As from the picture you can see what I saw. I walked in picked up the shirt and bought it and I wear it proudly.

Happy Mother's Day......

A sign from Austin. A longhorn cloud.

Today is harder then my birthday. My mom has been gone on a retreat since Thursday and came back today. We went to a candlelight ceremony as a surprise for her last night and all I could think of was Austin. How he would of loved to have been there to surprise Nannie with a big smile and a hug. That's what sucks. I get to do all these things now but I don't have Austin with me so it is like I don't care about doing things anymore. Like going to functions and going out to eat. We were so isolated that it got to be "normal". Today we went to church and today was when my mom came back from her retreat. Father had all of the mothers stand up to do the mother blessing but I couldn't. I knew I would just stand there and cry. I sat and cried instead. While he was giving the homily this noise from the ceiling (I think it was the speaker) scared him. He laughed and was making jokes about how he was scared of ghost. All I could think of was it was Austin scaring him. Oh how he loved to scare people. It was so nice to see my mother again. I haven't been this long away from her. She is my rock. She got me through Austin's treatments and now is getting me through him being gone. Being away from her is like me being a little girl again. I felt lost.

After Church I visited the cemetery. I sat there and cried. I told Austin there are so many people here today visiting their mothers for Mother's day and here I am a mother visiting her son. Was so weird. I let out a lot of things to him today and I feel much better now. I always get this feeling like he is really listening. He always has been a good listener to me when he was alive. Even though he didn't understand. In ways he did understand. I would tell him stuff and he would just look at me and sometimes gave me hugs. He always knew when I needed a hug. Boy I miss those hugs.

On another note, I got an email from a NB friend Cooper's mom. She said they got a sign from Austin. It was a Cloud in the shape of a longhorn. She sent me pictures so I have posted one for you.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day and a wonderful Sunday!!!

Elizabeth

Austin Video

Cousin Dylan, Cousin Emily and Aunt Amanda




Austin's light


It's been hard today but only a few hours more to go and I will make it thought it. You see today is my birthday and all I wanted for my birthday was Austin to be here with me to celebrate. Luckily I have been in Round Rock for the last few days with Aunt Amanda, Uncle Jerry, Cousin Dylan and Cousin Emily to keep me busy. They light up my life.Though it is hard not having Austin there because I know he would love to play with his cousins. He would love to have Uncle Jerry and Aunt Amanda spoil him. It is just so hard that he can't be there but I know it is especially hard for his Cousin Dylan. He talks about Austin all the time. About how Austin's an angel in heaven and has wings. I took the kids on a walk while I was there and Dylan said the sun is gone and I told him it wasn't gone it is up there in the clouds with Austin. Dylan yelled out, Austin give us the sun back. Oh how that made me smile.

Jason and I went to dinner tonight and a few tables over was a little girl who they sang Happy Birthday to and it was her 2nd Birthday. I teared up. Then we were sitting at a table with three chairs. They came by and asked if anyone was going to be sitting in the empty seat and we said no so they took the chair. It hurt. It was hard but I held back the tears the best that I could. But now I find myself at home just letting it all out. I got a message from a blog follower and it said that her grandfather found he had lung cancer on April 3rd and he wasn't going to make it. He died this morning but before he died she was able to talk to him about Austin. She wanted to make sure he found Austin and to make sure he was okay. He said he would find him and rock him to sleep for us. I have never met this man but all of a sudden I could imagine him in this rocker with Austin just a rocking away. So funny how the mind works.

Today I went to the cemetery to visit Austin and make sure his flag was still flying, and it was. Finally they have Austin's light up. I have posted pictures of it for you to see. Also at the end of this entry you will find a slideshow with a song that we sing to Austin up in heaven. Click on the link "Austin's Journey" to watch. Hope you enjoy.


Austin's Journey

One month ago today......

Austin's new friend Curious George


The butterfly that I have placed on his vase




The ducks at the cemetery


Wow I can't believe a month has gone by since our little boy went to heaven. It seems only like yesterday. We went to the cemetery yesterday for our usual Chick-fil-a lunch with Austin. Uncle Alan came with us too. We had a nice lunch and changed out his flowers. I decided to add some things to his grave so today I put out a Curious George plush and attached it to his vase. I also found a butterfly that reminded me of Austin. I had seen another grave where they put a garden flag in the vase so I did the same. I have attached pictures of the Curious George and butterfly. I don't have any of the flag yet but I will go take some this week and post. On the way into the cemetery today there was standing water that has accumulated from the rain and in it I found ducks swimming around. I thought it was so cute so I took a picture.

Not much going on here in the Akin house. I have been having more bad days then good. I get these clear images of Austin in my head and they make me cry so much because I just want to hold him so tight. When these images happen they are usually at night when I am trying to go to sleep. I find myself running to Austin's room where I sit and read a Curious George book out loud. I bought this book awhile back to read to Austin but never got the chance. My dad told me the other day, "it isn't too late. You can still read it to him now." Man was he right. It feels good to read it out loud because I know he is listening.

Tonight we watch some of show on the Discovery Channel "Living with Cancer" hosted by Ted Koppel. It was kind of hard to watch and I was only able to watch some of it. I am finding more and more information on cancer now then before and I am glad in away. In away I am glad that I wasn't so overwhelmed of knowing how cancer is killing more and more and we aren't finding cures and I am glad that I lived each day to the fullest with Austin not knowing when his last day was going to be. Having cancer as an adult is way different then a child with cancer. Listening to them talk about how painful the treatment was killed me. Luckily Austin didn't show that. He would just go about his day like any other little boy. Hearing about it now makes me think of Austin as a true super hero. I some times think that he was made out of steel and in the end the steel finally got rusted out.

As Christi Thomas' mom says, each day that that passes it gets harder. I look at pictures of Austin everyday to remind me that he did exist on earth. Nothing seems real anymore. Life is so different without him and it is hard to wake up each day knowing I don't have him here to take care of. I cry days thinking to myself, am I a mother anymore? I have those mother instincts but not a child in my arms. Other days I tell myself, Yes your a mother. Your child is just an angel in heaven.

Team Ben Milam Elementary - "Hot Tamales" Spicing Things Up for a Cure!

Thank you everyone who has donated so far to the Relay for Life that Aunt Jennifer is participating in. She has reached here goal of $750.00 but I think maybe we can improve it to $1000.00. She will start the relay this Friday so anyone who still wants to contribute still has time. Remember your contribution is helping in the fight to find a cure. I can imagine Austin looking down and being so proud of all of us on what we have accomplished.

If you would like to donate, please visit the website (or click the link to the right):

http://www.acsevents.org/brazoscountyrelay/jennag02


Thanks again everyone…we appreciate the love and support in raising money in memory of precious little Austin.