One month ago today......

Austin's new friend Curious George


The butterfly that I have placed on his vase




The ducks at the cemetery


Wow I can't believe a month has gone by since our little boy went to heaven. It seems only like yesterday. We went to the cemetery yesterday for our usual Chick-fil-a lunch with Austin. Uncle Alan came with us too. We had a nice lunch and changed out his flowers. I decided to add some things to his grave so today I put out a Curious George plush and attached it to his vase. I also found a butterfly that reminded me of Austin. I had seen another grave where they put a garden flag in the vase so I did the same. I have attached pictures of the Curious George and butterfly. I don't have any of the flag yet but I will go take some this week and post. On the way into the cemetery today there was standing water that has accumulated from the rain and in it I found ducks swimming around. I thought it was so cute so I took a picture.

Not much going on here in the Akin house. I have been having more bad days then good. I get these clear images of Austin in my head and they make me cry so much because I just want to hold him so tight. When these images happen they are usually at night when I am trying to go to sleep. I find myself running to Austin's room where I sit and read a Curious George book out loud. I bought this book awhile back to read to Austin but never got the chance. My dad told me the other day, "it isn't too late. You can still read it to him now." Man was he right. It feels good to read it out loud because I know he is listening.

Tonight we watch some of show on the Discovery Channel "Living with Cancer" hosted by Ted Koppel. It was kind of hard to watch and I was only able to watch some of it. I am finding more and more information on cancer now then before and I am glad in away. In away I am glad that I wasn't so overwhelmed of knowing how cancer is killing more and more and we aren't finding cures and I am glad that I lived each day to the fullest with Austin not knowing when his last day was going to be. Having cancer as an adult is way different then a child with cancer. Listening to them talk about how painful the treatment was killed me. Luckily Austin didn't show that. He would just go about his day like any other little boy. Hearing about it now makes me think of Austin as a true super hero. I some times think that he was made out of steel and in the end the steel finally got rusted out.

As Christi Thomas' mom says, each day that that passes it gets harder. I look at pictures of Austin everyday to remind me that he did exist on earth. Nothing seems real anymore. Life is so different without him and it is hard to wake up each day knowing I don't have him here to take care of. I cry days thinking to myself, am I a mother anymore? I have those mother instincts but not a child in my arms. Other days I tell myself, Yes your a mother. Your child is just an angel in heaven.