Fight to the end.....

The last twenty four hours with Austin have been hard for me as he was fading fast. All I could do was look at him and remember all the fun times I had with him and what a wonderful child he was. Last night he truly showed us a miracle, not the miracle we all wanted but it was indeed a miracle. We saw that Austin was becoming more distant so I swept him up and we started praying. The nurses started to increase his morphine to make him more comfortable. They brought in the black soft rocking chair that I rocked Austin many times in during his first transplant. I sat in the rocker and immediately noticed that Austin fell into a coma. His breathing was shallow and his congestion was getting louder. They continued to increase his morphine and then it happened. I was holding Austin's hand and he squeezed my hand, harder then anyone has ever squeezed it. I immediately screamed out and started crying. He lifted his head and then took a breath. He was gone. He wasn't breathing and didn't have pulse for ten minutes. They unhooked him from his cords as we all sat there and cried. Then the unthinkable happened. He started breathing again and got a pulse back. We could not believe it. The nurse could not believe it. All the five years that she has done the hospice nursing she had not seen this. Austin just didn't want to give up his fight. All he has know is too fight. He came and went a few more times, never gone more then five minutes. He finally settled down and had steady breathing. We couldn't figure out why Austin was hanging on but wonder if he needed to still say goodbye to his doctors and nurses. His favorite nurse Delores came in and talked to him about going. Then Dr. Patel came in and told him it was time. Patsy came by to say good bye and Dr. Grimley told him to rest. He still fought. Dr. Patel later came back and said Austin's body had built up a tolerance to the morhpine and need to switch him to something stronger. They would slowly wing him off the morphine and increase the new drug. When the morphine was threw I noticed Austin's breathing changed. As they increased the dose of the new medicine, the less breaths he took. Finally at 3:55 this afternoon Austin took his last breath and earned his angel wings. He is now about the clouds in a better world where some day we too will be with him again. When we were for sure that Austin was gone, I swept him up in my arms and held him for one last time. He was so peaceful and so was I. I could feel his spirit leave his body and it gave me a sense of strength. Austin taught me strength. How I am doing it I don't know, but I am the strong one right now. I have taking care of Austin for so long and that is all I know how to do but now it's time for me to take care of Jason as he is not as strong as me right now.

As Austin laid there on the hospital bed peacefully, I managed to cut part of his "blankie" off for myself to keep. I left him with the rest of his blue blankie, his Wiggles blanket and the beautiful quilt that Dr. Patel's daughter made for him. Saying good bye and leaving Austin behind today was the hardest thing I have had to do. Austin has never been away from us but for one night and that was the first night he was born. I left Austin in good hands at the hospital with his favorite nurse Delores. She was going to sit with him until the mortuary came to pick him up. I felt to she needed to spend some alone time with him as she has been by his side since day of his cancer fight. She said to him,"we started this together and we're going to end this together". Delores also had her own battle with cancer as a child. So she can relate to all the treatment Austin has been through. After we said good bye it was time to leave our second home. I had my brother take the car seat out of the back of my car so I wouldn't see the "empty" car seat. When I got home Jason was already home sitting on the back porch holding one of Austin's tennis shoes. I felt so bad for him as I wanted to come home first so I could put all of Austin's things away until we were ready to look at them. I managed to do this with a few break downs. It was hard putting his high chair away but most of all it was the worst when I found his Wiggle's pillow on the couch.

Right now I am sitting at the dinning room table writing this blog and the house is so quiet. No little toddler noises through out the house. Just the sounds for eight little paws running around. It was hard for me to tell the dogs that Austin wasn't coming home as I feel that sense something is going on.

I am so proud of Austin and his courage for wanting to fight for so long. He is truley and inspiration to me and to many more. He has taught me so many things in life and one is how to love. I am so glad that I could be a part of his life and just wish I had more time with him hear on earth. I whispered in his ear that I will meet him on the other side and how we can go to Disney World in our dreams. I asked him to be Cooper's and Aidan's guardian angel and watch over their lives.

We want to thank all the many readers for their prayers and support, Dr. Patel and staff. Methodisth Children's Hospital staff and Delores and Dr. Grimley. We have busy days that lie ahead of us to plan Austin's journey to Heaven. As soon as I know details of everything I will put it up in a post. Thanks again for all that everyone has done, Austin could of kept up the fitht without all of you.

Elizabeth