My baby is gone.....

I can't believe a week ago has gone by since Austin has received his wings. We have been very busy with plans and finally we now feel the quietness in our home. I find myself still strong for others, but weak when I am alone. My biggest thing is I can't hold my little baby anymore. Except for the night after he was born, I have never been away from him. Luckily he is just buried down the street. That was one reason I picked Holy Cross Cemetery. The other reason is I always wanted to be buried near the mall. HaHa. I have been out about every other day to the cemetery to visit Austin. It is just so hard to believe he is there and not at home just taking a nap.

I have had a few signs that I feel Austin is telling me he is near. One morning the dogs woke me up at 2:22 A.M. When I sat up in bed I noticed that I was able to see and it wasn't pitch black. When I opened the front door to let the dogs out the sky was purple. I have never in my life ever seen such a thing. It was so beautiful. Maybe he was painting us a picture. Another thing I noticed at the funeral when I bowed my head down to pray. On my charm bracelet I have a charm that has Austin's first picture (the hospital picture) and when I looked at the charm I noticed that my angel charm was attached on the same link. I couldn't believe it. I never paid attention to where the store had placed the charms. One other sign was when I was in Round Rock for my Nephew's birthday party. It was at their local park pavilion near a bunch of soccer fields. Amanda and I were setting up and all of a sudden there was this little boy standing in a yellow rain coat in the middle of the pavilion. He looked up at me and said "I lost my Mommy". When I looked at him I thought to myself, Austin is that you all grown up? All I wanted to do was scoop him up, put him in the car and take him home. But I knew I had to find his Mommy and I did. I kept thinking about that little boy all day and on the way home from Round Rock I cried because I think it was Austin telling us he was there.

Austin's services were beautiful. We dressed him in his little tux he wore for Valentine's Day. The funeral home placed his blanket on his side between his arm as if he was holding it, just like I asked. Still to me seeing him in his casket, I felt he was just sleeping and any minutes he was going to pop up and laugh, but he didn't.

I am not sure how often I will write on the blog. I feel so different now. Almost like I quit my job. It is funny how just in a blink of an eye your life can change. I experienced that once on October 4, 2005 and now again. This time I just feel so lost. Like I am not quiet sure what I am suppose to be doing. Especially at night. It is so weird getting uninterrupted sleep. We have many projects around the house that we had put off to keep us busy. But tomorrow will be a hard day for me. It's the day Jason goes back to work. Then I will be all alone in the house. I haven't been all alone. Any time he says he is going some place I tell him I want to go too. So tomorrow marks a new day for me. I trust in God to help me get through the day.

I want to end this entry with the Eulogy from Austin's service given by "Aunt" Jennifer Ripple.

I remember the night that Uncle Alan introduced me to Austin’s story through his website. I was immediately overcome by emotions as I read this little boy’s story. Austin’s fight instantly became an inspiration to me and an important part of my life.

Austin’s contagious smile taught us all how to live, laugh, and love.

He taught us how to live by placing a smile on his precious face at every moment during his courageous fight. He passed on his courage through his high fives. His dad taught him to high five as a form of affection and Austin took it to another level by passing on high fives to other family members, friends and even other cancer patients.

His laughter could be heard through his Wiggles song and dance, especially his favorites, “Hot Potato” and “Fruit Salad”. Austin loved to play games, especially jumping out and attempting to scare you or standing still with his eyes closed and act as if he was not there in hopes you would disappear. He always knew how to put a smile on your face and make you realize that the little things are what really matter in life.

He taught us how to love in more ways than we can count. He taught his parents how to love one another stronger and deeper. He taught me how to love myself and how to better love another person. Through his mother’s words, Austin taught so many people across the world how to love a child that they have never met.

The contagious smile we often speak of is now the smile of an angel. Austin's life would seem too short to many, but those who were touched by him understand that the quality of existence far exceeds the quantity of time in which ones lives.

My perspective on life is forever changed thanks to him, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.

I would like to conclude by reading a poem that I think many of us feel represents Austin’s Fight --
God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.