Austin in Spirit.......

Austin's temporary marker



Austin's grave with his new vase full of red roses.


Gizmo and Abby next to Austin's grave




Austin back as a butterfly.


Austin may no be here on earth physically but I sure feel he is here in spirit. I have felt him at numerous occasions. Although some days I find myself thinking I am going to wake up and find Austin laying right next to me but when I do wake he isn't there. Jason and I have been going to the cemetery on Saturdays and having Chick-fil-a with Austin. It was one of our favorite things to do on Saturdays while he was going through treatment and not allowed to go anywhere. So we would always go through the chick-fil-a drive threw and either eat it in the car or head home to eat it. Saturday I put our roses for the first time in Austin's new vase. We still haven't decided on a headstone but are working on it. I have been wondering the cemetery looking at every ones headstones and it makes me very sad because in the few minutes that I looked I found many people my age.

Today I decided to take the dogs to visit Austin at the cemetery. Although they couldn't figure it out. I would say here is Austin and they would look around for him. Finally they sniffed and sniffed and laid right next to his grave. Oh so sweet. They just laid there peacefully.

Thank you to those who have already donated to "Aunt" Jennifer's Relay for Life team, she has raised $500 so far and only needs $250 more to reach her final goal of $750.

If you can donate $1, $5, $10, or anything, it would be greatly appreciated. Also, we ask you to pass this information onto friends and family members if you can so that they can also participate if they are able.

We just wanted to send out a FINAL reminder to make your donations this week if you plan to participate as the Relay is this coming Friday, May 4 thru Saturday, May 5.

If you would like to donate, please visit the website (or click the link to the right):
http://www.acsevents.org/brazoscountyrelay/jennag02

Again, thank you for the donations so far... We appreciate the love and support to raise money in memory of precious little Austin.

Donate in Honor of Austin

Hello All,

Jennifer Ripple ("Aunt" Jenn) will be participating in the Bryan-College Station Relay for Life. She plans to walk this relay in memory of Austin as well as other family members that have passed due to cancer.

Austin has become one of the inspirations of the "Hot Tamale" team.

We have to find a stop to cancer! If you would like to donate, please visit the website at:
http://www.acsevents.org/brazoscountyrelay/jennag02

or the link to the right. $1, $5, $10, $20, or whatever you can afford will help us find a cure for Neuroblastoma as well as all the other types of cancer.

If you prefer to donate offline, you can print out the form located on the above website and send it in with your check.

We all would appreciate your help and support in an effort to raise money to find a cure for cancer.

My baby is gone.....

I can't believe a week ago has gone by since Austin has received his wings. We have been very busy with plans and finally we now feel the quietness in our home. I find myself still strong for others, but weak when I am alone. My biggest thing is I can't hold my little baby anymore. Except for the night after he was born, I have never been away from him. Luckily he is just buried down the street. That was one reason I picked Holy Cross Cemetery. The other reason is I always wanted to be buried near the mall. HaHa. I have been out about every other day to the cemetery to visit Austin. It is just so hard to believe he is there and not at home just taking a nap.

I have had a few signs that I feel Austin is telling me he is near. One morning the dogs woke me up at 2:22 A.M. When I sat up in bed I noticed that I was able to see and it wasn't pitch black. When I opened the front door to let the dogs out the sky was purple. I have never in my life ever seen such a thing. It was so beautiful. Maybe he was painting us a picture. Another thing I noticed at the funeral when I bowed my head down to pray. On my charm bracelet I have a charm that has Austin's first picture (the hospital picture) and when I looked at the charm I noticed that my angel charm was attached on the same link. I couldn't believe it. I never paid attention to where the store had placed the charms. One other sign was when I was in Round Rock for my Nephew's birthday party. It was at their local park pavilion near a bunch of soccer fields. Amanda and I were setting up and all of a sudden there was this little boy standing in a yellow rain coat in the middle of the pavilion. He looked up at me and said "I lost my Mommy". When I looked at him I thought to myself, Austin is that you all grown up? All I wanted to do was scoop him up, put him in the car and take him home. But I knew I had to find his Mommy and I did. I kept thinking about that little boy all day and on the way home from Round Rock I cried because I think it was Austin telling us he was there.

Austin's services were beautiful. We dressed him in his little tux he wore for Valentine's Day. The funeral home placed his blanket on his side between his arm as if he was holding it, just like I asked. Still to me seeing him in his casket, I felt he was just sleeping and any minutes he was going to pop up and laugh, but he didn't.

I am not sure how often I will write on the blog. I feel so different now. Almost like I quit my job. It is funny how just in a blink of an eye your life can change. I experienced that once on October 4, 2005 and now again. This time I just feel so lost. Like I am not quiet sure what I am suppose to be doing. Especially at night. It is so weird getting uninterrupted sleep. We have many projects around the house that we had put off to keep us busy. But tomorrow will be a hard day for me. It's the day Jason goes back to work. Then I will be all alone in the house. I haven't been all alone. Any time he says he is going some place I tell him I want to go too. So tomorrow marks a new day for me. I trust in God to help me get through the day.

I want to end this entry with the Eulogy from Austin's service given by "Aunt" Jennifer Ripple.

I remember the night that Uncle Alan introduced me to Austin’s story through his website. I was immediately overcome by emotions as I read this little boy’s story. Austin’s fight instantly became an inspiration to me and an important part of my life.

Austin’s contagious smile taught us all how to live, laugh, and love.

He taught us how to live by placing a smile on his precious face at every moment during his courageous fight. He passed on his courage through his high fives. His dad taught him to high five as a form of affection and Austin took it to another level by passing on high fives to other family members, friends and even other cancer patients.

His laughter could be heard through his Wiggles song and dance, especially his favorites, “Hot Potato” and “Fruit Salad”. Austin loved to play games, especially jumping out and attempting to scare you or standing still with his eyes closed and act as if he was not there in hopes you would disappear. He always knew how to put a smile on your face and make you realize that the little things are what really matter in life.

He taught us how to love in more ways than we can count. He taught his parents how to love one another stronger and deeper. He taught me how to love myself and how to better love another person. Through his mother’s words, Austin taught so many people across the world how to love a child that they have never met.

The contagious smile we often speak of is now the smile of an angel. Austin's life would seem too short to many, but those who were touched by him understand that the quality of existence far exceeds the quantity of time in which ones lives.

My perspective on life is forever changed thanks to him, and for that I’ll be eternally grateful.

I would like to conclude by reading a poem that I think many of us feel represents Austin’s Fight --
God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.

Obituary

Austin Foster Akin was granted his angel wings on April 6, 2007, at the tender age of two, following a courageous year and a half battle with Neuroblastoma - a childhood cancer. His final days were spent surrounded by family and friends that Austin had touched in some way throughout his short, yet very memorable life. Austin's life would seem too short to many, but those who were touched by him understand that the quality of existence far exceeds the quantity of time in which ones lives. His contagious smile could melt the hearts of those around him and though he only spoke a few words, his voice and thoughts could always be heard. Austin is survived by his parents, Jason and Elizabeth Akin; grandparents Mike and Lydia Lipscomb (Pop and Nannie), Harry and Brenda Akin (Pa and Grandmama); great-grandmother Ima Dee Akin (Mama Dee); Uncle Alan Lipscomb; Uncle Jerry and Aunt Amanda Caperton and cousins Dylan and Emily; Uncle Justin Akin and Aunt Yari Jiminez and cousins Bailey and Brenda; along with our extended family, including Dr. Mahendra Patel, Dr. Michael Grimley, Delores Hagen, and the staff at Children's Methodist Hospital. The family will receive friends on Tuesday from 6:00-8:00 P.M. at Porter Loring Mortuary North.

Service
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
10:00 A.M.
Our Lady of Perpetual Help Church
16075 N. Evans Rd
Selma, TX

Interment will follow in Holy Cross Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, please make donations to Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation at www.firstgiving.com/austinsfight.

Your invited to sign the guestbook at www.porterloring.com

Fight to the end.....

The last twenty four hours with Austin have been hard for me as he was fading fast. All I could do was look at him and remember all the fun times I had with him and what a wonderful child he was. Last night he truly showed us a miracle, not the miracle we all wanted but it was indeed a miracle. We saw that Austin was becoming more distant so I swept him up and we started praying. The nurses started to increase his morphine to make him more comfortable. They brought in the black soft rocking chair that I rocked Austin many times in during his first transplant. I sat in the rocker and immediately noticed that Austin fell into a coma. His breathing was shallow and his congestion was getting louder. They continued to increase his morphine and then it happened. I was holding Austin's hand and he squeezed my hand, harder then anyone has ever squeezed it. I immediately screamed out and started crying. He lifted his head and then took a breath. He was gone. He wasn't breathing and didn't have pulse for ten minutes. They unhooked him from his cords as we all sat there and cried. Then the unthinkable happened. He started breathing again and got a pulse back. We could not believe it. The nurse could not believe it. All the five years that she has done the hospice nursing she had not seen this. Austin just didn't want to give up his fight. All he has know is too fight. He came and went a few more times, never gone more then five minutes. He finally settled down and had steady breathing. We couldn't figure out why Austin was hanging on but wonder if he needed to still say goodbye to his doctors and nurses. His favorite nurse Delores came in and talked to him about going. Then Dr. Patel came in and told him it was time. Patsy came by to say good bye and Dr. Grimley told him to rest. He still fought. Dr. Patel later came back and said Austin's body had built up a tolerance to the morhpine and need to switch him to something stronger. They would slowly wing him off the morphine and increase the new drug. When the morphine was threw I noticed Austin's breathing changed. As they increased the dose of the new medicine, the less breaths he took. Finally at 3:55 this afternoon Austin took his last breath and earned his angel wings. He is now about the clouds in a better world where some day we too will be with him again. When we were for sure that Austin was gone, I swept him up in my arms and held him for one last time. He was so peaceful and so was I. I could feel his spirit leave his body and it gave me a sense of strength. Austin taught me strength. How I am doing it I don't know, but I am the strong one right now. I have taking care of Austin for so long and that is all I know how to do but now it's time for me to take care of Jason as he is not as strong as me right now.

As Austin laid there on the hospital bed peacefully, I managed to cut part of his "blankie" off for myself to keep. I left him with the rest of his blue blankie, his Wiggles blanket and the beautiful quilt that Dr. Patel's daughter made for him. Saying good bye and leaving Austin behind today was the hardest thing I have had to do. Austin has never been away from us but for one night and that was the first night he was born. I left Austin in good hands at the hospital with his favorite nurse Delores. She was going to sit with him until the mortuary came to pick him up. I felt to she needed to spend some alone time with him as she has been by his side since day of his cancer fight. She said to him,"we started this together and we're going to end this together". Delores also had her own battle with cancer as a child. So she can relate to all the treatment Austin has been through. After we said good bye it was time to leave our second home. I had my brother take the car seat out of the back of my car so I wouldn't see the "empty" car seat. When I got home Jason was already home sitting on the back porch holding one of Austin's tennis shoes. I felt so bad for him as I wanted to come home first so I could put all of Austin's things away until we were ready to look at them. I managed to do this with a few break downs. It was hard putting his high chair away but most of all it was the worst when I found his Wiggle's pillow on the couch.

Right now I am sitting at the dinning room table writing this blog and the house is so quiet. No little toddler noises through out the house. Just the sounds for eight little paws running around. It was hard for me to tell the dogs that Austin wasn't coming home as I feel that sense something is going on.

I am so proud of Austin and his courage for wanting to fight for so long. He is truley and inspiration to me and to many more. He has taught me so many things in life and one is how to love. I am so glad that I could be a part of his life and just wish I had more time with him hear on earth. I whispered in his ear that I will meet him on the other side and how we can go to Disney World in our dreams. I asked him to be Cooper's and Aidan's guardian angel and watch over their lives.

We want to thank all the many readers for their prayers and support, Dr. Patel and staff. Methodisth Children's Hospital staff and Delores and Dr. Grimley. We have busy days that lie ahead of us to plan Austin's journey to Heaven. As soon as I know details of everything I will put it up in a post. Thanks again for all that everyone has done, Austin could of kept up the fitht without all of you.

Elizabeth

Still Fighting

Austin's long and hard fought battle with cancer is slowly coming to an end, though he is having a hard time saying goodbye. Dr. Patel is accommodating him with plenty of pain medication to make sure that he is comfortable. Please pray for Austin, so once he decides to take his wings, that his crossing is a pleasant one.

Elizabeth or I will update later if there is any new information.

All too soon....

Okay, where to begin. For Austin's birthday we had a CT done of his neck, chest and pelvis. They came in and gave him a cake presents and sang Happy Birthday to him after he got back from the scan. Then a little while later Dr. Grimley and Delores (our favorite nurse from clinic) came in. He leaned his body against the sink and said "we found something" and then just starred and looked at me. I knew right then what he ment. I then replied, "the cancer is back". He said "yes, very bad too". From the report of the CT scan they said the cancer was everywhere. It was even in his spine which is the reason he can not walk. I broke down and cried and then asked."what do we do?". Dr. Grimley responded with "nothing, the cancer is too aggressive." We have asked how much time we have with Austin but they have only told us a while. I think Austin has shocked all of Methodist Children's with this news. I thought that a CT scan for his birthday was bad but this has to be the worst present ever. Grimley said " I didn't want to have to give you this news today but didn't think I could keep it from you." I agreed. We needed to know. Austin is comfortable now. He has a morphine drip going at all times. He mostly sleeps and is still eating and today he finally decided to drink his milk. I have said in the past blog that writing about Austin's relapse was the hardest blog to write, but I was wrong. A blog telling your readers that your son went from a newly transplant patient in remission to relapse number three has to be the worst.

I am still numb and don't understand it all but I am trying to be strong for Austin's sake. All though it seems Austin is trying to be there for me. I cried my heart out when I heard the news and he just looked at me like "mommy it's going to be alright". Jason and I have decided to stay at the hospital until it happens as I don't think I could deal with this at home. We have many family members and friends that have come up to show their support and we are very greatful that we have them with us to end this journey. A long journey I must say but all to soon.

The staff here at Methodist has been wonderful to us with accomidating us in every way. They have turned the care back over to Dr. Patel who will keep Austin comfortable to the very end. They have not given us a real time frame as to when he will go but Patel has said today that he wants us here at the hospital with our "family" (the Methodist family) here. I agree on this, as the hospital has become our second home. I will keep everyone update on his journey to the end and do appoligiez for getting this blog to you so late but I honesty didn't know if I could write this. We needed to let our family get the news from us and not from the computer. Thank you for the continued prayers and support as we couldn't of gotten where we are today without each and everyone of you. I feel the end is near and my heart is broken and know Austin will carry that piece with him. I have asked him to wait for me on the other side and then we can do all the things we never got to do together. He will then be free of pain and cancer and can be the normal little boy I have always prayed and hoped for.

I want to end with a poem that our Neuroblastoma friend Cooper's Mom feels reminds her of Austin.

Elizabeth

Hope -Jarred Meteau


A seed floating in the wind with no direction
Slowly fading away, it has no protection
Lands on the bank but sees no reflection
A choice must be made, life's intersection

Grow into a tree or fade into the past
Soar like an eagle, this spring may be it's last
A decision must be made before the dead of night
Is it time to lie down and die, or is it time to fight

It made the right choice and decided to grow
But wasn't its choice to make, of this it did not know
Already determined the seed would never be a tree
It dreams of a better life but hope is all it will ever be

Austin heads back to Methodist...

Sorry for the delay in posts. It has been very tiring in our household. Austin has had a few bad nights. Clinic went fine on Saturday. He got fluids and his labs looked good. He said as long as he kept up his fluids he didn't have to come in on Sunday but would have to call to report a follow up to the Bone Marrow unit at 9:30 on Sunday. Austin also has had a lot of trouble walking. We think his feet are still very sensitive but he also tilts his head back like it is to heavy for his body. Not sure what is going on with that. He decided to start crawling again since he can't walk. Still trying to be so independent. Last night was the worst night ever. He would only sleep for 30 to 45 minutes at a time and then be up screaming from the top of his lungs the rest of the time. He would want to lay in his bed and then wanted the couch and then back to his bed. He just couldn't get comfortable. He would call me over to him and then push me away. He didn't know what he wanted. He was pointing to have movies put on and then have you turn them off.He stopped wanting to drink from his sippy cup and would only sip a little bit out of a straw. It was such a long night. He was miserable. I had to call the floor and they thought it was gas pains. He had taken a medicine earlier that day to help him have a bowl movement and said it could gas pains later on. They had me give him some benadryl to see if that would help. It didn't. I gave him a warm bath which he enjoyed. He actually was falling asleep in the bath tub and didn't want to get out. When I was putting on his diaper after his bath he expelled a lot of gas, so it could very well have been gas. But he still was not sleeping. At 3 am I took him for a car ride to see if that helped. He did indeed fall asleep but as most kids he woke up as soon as we got home. 9:30 am couldn't come soon enough to call the floor again for follow up. I told the nurse what was going on and she said she would let Grimley know and see what he says. Wasn't but a few minutes after I hung up the phone that Grimley was calling back. He said sounded like he needed to see him so he would call back after they got arrangements done down in clinic. About a half an hour later a nurse called from the hospital to tell us to head over and prepare to stay. I asked to stay for the day or over night? She said overnight, they are admitting him. So I packed a few things and we headed over. They hooked him up to fluids, drew his blood for labs and gave him some morphine to relax him. Grimley came in and feels that it still could be a drug reaction and it very well could be another drug doing it. So we are backing off some of his drugs. He said it sounds like insomnia which one of the meds has as a side effect. It is a rare side effect but can still happen. He suggested we try and keep Austin up as much as we can during the day and then before bed give him a drug to relax him to sleep. He is also ordering a CT scan from his neck down to his waist. Not that he thinks anything is going on but wants to rule everything out. He did say he didn't think it was any thing to do with the Neuroblastoma as he would think if it was he would of found some in his brain. As Dr. Grimley says "we are on a wild goose hunt". He said he was still puzzled and was going to pick someone else's brain to see if they could come up with anything.

Austin and I took a nap and then I had to wake him up. Boy was he not happy. It was so hard to keep him up. I got him to drink 2 ounces of juice and we watched movies. He ate some mini vanilla cookies but didn't want anything else to eat or drink. For some reason he doesn't want to drink the milk. The only reason he drinks the juice is because it is kind of forced upon by me. I use the Juicy Juice box drinks so when Austin puts the straw in his mouth I can control more going in by squeezing it. He drinks it but pushes it away.

In a way I am glad we are here because maybe we will get a good nights sleep. They can control his pain and frustration here with drugs, at home I can not do anything but try and comfort him. I am sure this is not the place Austin wanted to be for his second birthday but as bad as he feels right now I don't think he would care too much about celebrating. I am praying tonight that they can find out what's causing all of this and that is is fixable and we can have our old Austin back. I miss old Austin so much. I miss my hugs and love from him. I miss him dragging all of his toys out to the living room. I miss seeing him run around all over the house chasing the dogs. Please lord, help us find out what is going on with Austin and to bring our old Austin back!

Elizabeth