What Makes a Mother...

I usually only post on here once a month around the month anniversary of Austin's death but today I find myself turning to the blogger as I use to do when Austin was going through treatment... I found it helped me so much to vent my frustrations and show the love I have for my son... Each day I woke up I woke up for Austin... Today with out him here I find it being the same, I wake up for Austin... I could just stay in bed and never get up but I know he would be so mad at me.. I want to live life like he did, to the fullest.. I treasure so many memories with him and am thankful for the best two years of my life... I miss him so much everyday but know he is near.. He shows me signs to keep me strong... If it weren't for him I wouldn't be who I am today... I needed him in my life to guide me to that person.. I am lost without him but know I can do it, or at least try.

I feel that I have gotten a lot out of Austin's treatment and death and found others have too but there are a few that have not and that surprises me.. I know I can 't teach the world on this but I thought that Austin dying would. I was wrong.. If you think back what God did for us.. He sent his son Jesus to us to teach us. Could Austin been one of his sent to us to teach us?? I like to believe so... God's son suffered and died for us.. I think our son did the same.. I think Austin dying on Good Friday was for a reason, it was a plan from God. Maybe I am the only one that sees this, that I don't know and understand but I do know we are all here for a reason and know Austin was here to teach us because we have all learned so much in the the two years he was here..

Austin got a piece of mail the other day from the Texas Transplant Institute along with bills from the hospital, go figure... The one from the Texas Transplant Institute was an invitation for a reunion for fellow transplant survivors, living donors, and those waiting for transplants.. It is being held at Six Flags...Man did it hurt getting this as I know Austin would of loved to go...It is called "Celebrate the Gift of Life"...

As I have had many findings of Austin's left behind, one constant reminder of him daily is in my car.. in the back passenger side window lies his hand print... on the rear view mirror lies a few little finger prints... I never wash them away as I feel it is him saying "i am here with you Mommy"... I have tried and tried to take pictures of it and it is just about impossible but here is the best ones out of them....one of them there are two dots and when I first looked at the picture I thought they were eyes... to me it looked like Austin looking in...

Austin's hand print



Austin looking in...


One night as I was trying to go to sleep, all of a sudden I could smell Austin's breathe as he was laying there beside me... I knew one day he would come lay with me as we did every night...

A few days later after getting out of the shower I heard a child's voice who sounded like Austin say "WEEEEEEEE" like going down a slide....

I am grateful for these constant reminders that he is around... I am grateful that I had him in my life... I found this poem that I feel expresses how I feel..

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see
my dear sweet one,
your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.
Written with love
for all the Mother's missing their babies
by Jennifer Wasik

Memory Tree

The Memory Tree at Methodist Children's Hospital

Austin's leaf on the Memory Tree




In front of the Memory Tree

How time flies... It has now been four months since Austin's death. It all still seems like yesterday to me. I know I feel him around but just wish I could give him a big hug and kiss. A friend of mine's little boy, Aidan, is two weeks older then Austin and was Austin's playmate. We use to say how they would be best buds growing up since they were so close in age. Little did we know Austin wouldn't make it pass the age of two. The little boy's mother told me today that he was playing with one of his toys and decided to put the toy down. It seems to be a toy that he never puts down. She asked him why he put it down and he said "Austin playing with it". She said it was plain as day. WOW!!!

The Memory Tree.... What a wonderful idea.. Methodist Children's Hospital, where Austin was treated and spent his last days, has a memorial tree on the 3rd floor. I was honored to put his name on the tree on Friday.. I thought the visit to the hospital would be harder then it was but it really wasn't. I was so glad to see everyone again and glad to talk to Dr. Grimley and Dr. Patel. I honestly didn't think anyone would recognize me without Austin since his smile use to take over. These are wonderful people that entered our lives and I was so torn when Austin died that I would lose them. They have all touched our lives in so many ways and although we had to meet them under horrible circumstances I have always been glad I have met them. I will always be grateful for them. As I am reminded that Methodist Hospital was our "second home".

It was funny too that day... during lunch at Cracker Barrel I saw Tony Parker and Eva Longoria!!!!! What a day.

The weekend before last we were blessed to hear Mark Schultz sing in Austin. He is an amazing Christian singer. We got to hear the wonderful song "He's my son" in person. If your not familiar with the song, it is a song written for this couple that Mark knew who's son was battling cancer. The song captures how Jason and I felt for Austin. We also were able to play the song to Austin hours before he died.

Austin - We Love and Miss you so very much and no your smiling at us from heaven!!!!

Elizabeth